This is a letter that I sent to my ex who raped me when I was 22. I have lived in pain and despair since this happened. I was too afraid to report him directly after. Then blocked it out, and was told b/c I did that I couldn’t prosecute him so this my answer to that! Let him do his worst to me now. I am not afraid!
I have spent 12 years, bowing down to you. In the fear, that I may anger you and you will abandon me. I have only once stood up for myself. And I was so scared of your reaction that I apologized and apologized to try to make you happy again. I had no self esteem before you, and I wanted soo much to be loved. I send email after email, trying to fix the rejection I feel and have been feeling all these years. Honesty is the best policy, now I have to be honest with myself. This is very hard for me to do b/c it cuts the tie once and for all between the 2 of us. You have always been a master manipulator, that is how you get what you want. I am not blind to that fact. Everyone else in your life may be, but I know how you roll. You may be a different man today but it doesn’t change who you were or what you did. I have been plagued by the memory of you. I have held so much blame and guilt for the day that I couldn’t comprehend. On June 8th 2001 (yes, I remember the day), you raped me. I blocked every memory I could in order to keep going and try to make a life but I told you over and over NO, I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ” It was hell on earth for me. I was so petrified of what my first experience would be like, and in no way, did I want my first time to be rape. I did NOT consent to have sex with you. It was like you couldn’t even hear me, or refused to hear me. You never even opened your eyes to look at me. You took something so precious from me and I didn’t feel like I had any right to break up with you after b/c that would make it rape. Denial was easier for me at the time. I felt like a dirty unworthy slut when you were done. You repeated that act, a number of times as I lay there. My body was there but my mind was not, I had to shut down to get through any sex with you. I guess in the time we dated, I didn’t “put out” soon enough for you. You stole my virginity from me. I didn’t give it to you. I wanted to wait, we even had that conversation that very day, I told you I knew I wasn’t ready and you said it’s ok don’t worry about it.
Oh, YES my memory is back and in full force now. I have every moment back as much as I didn’t want to remember any of it! I wanted to pretend your version of the events was the truth. I guess it was dumb of me to expect you to RESPECT my wishes! I wish I never met you! You were only after one thing the whole time we were together, weren’t you? Time after time, all I can ever remember is how intense you were and I kept trying to stop making out with an excuse to get away from you and you would follow me. The drink of water, was to get away from you, I was SCARED!!! I was afraid of losing you but terrified of having sex. Why couldn’t you stop the day you raped me? Did it make you feel like a MAN when I laid there begging and pleading with you, tears running down my cheeks to stop? You have kept me silent for too long. I have held this burden for12 years, and I will no longer hold the guilt, shame, lack of worth or my mouth shut anymore. I am not to blame. I am not the guilty party here. What you did was a crime. You have no right Forcing someone when they tell you they are not ready. NO MEANS NO. Not once did I say yes or consent to anything that happened that day. Because of you, I now have to find a way to put back the pieces of my life. Because of you, I am in therapy trying to undo what you did. Because of you, I struggle to find that happiness that I so deserve! I want you to feel remorse for what you did to me and how you have made me feel for the last 12 years. I want you to know how violated you made me feel and how sick I get when I think of you. I never could understand how a boyfriend could rape his girlfriend. If so, I probably would have told someone. I wish I did. I trusted you. You used all those vulnerabilities against me to get your way! I want you to admit what you did and sincerely be sorry for raping me. This is not my burden to bear anymore… it’s yours. This is all on you. Stand up to it. You can only run from it for so long. You might not have thought that much of me, but that doesn’t mean I am worthless. How do you live with what you did? Calling me and emailing for years after drumming into my head what you wanted me to tell people and the repercussions.
Sincerely, Your victim no more
I do have a tattoo on my right shoulder it’s my Dragon Tattoo!
(Please ladies, report rape, date rape, sexual assult, do not them keep you silent. In the end you are the one who will pay the price.It’s hard to live with youself after you have been raped. Just know that it’s not your fault, it’s his burden to bear. Go to a rape crisis center or the police, and kick his ass in to the slammer where he belongs. I wish I had)